Wednesday, December 28, 2005

More about Yoko

I've been writing about Yoko, the spoiled Japanese girl whom the people who leave comments on my blog love to hate. Most of the anti-Yoko comments are pretty accurate. The girl has no real redeeming personality traits. She can't walk 3/4 of a mile to the movie theater. She orders drinks even though she has no intention of actually drinking them. She doesn't seem to contribute anything to the economy of either the United States or Japan. She hasn't worked at a job except at her parents' retail "boutique." She has horrid tastes in movies. She'll only watch romantic comedies or true stories.

Some readers take exception to the word "girl," but in no way does Yoko act with the maturity of a woman. Part of this is cultural. Japanese "women" try to act immature and girlish. The Japanese have word for it, it's called "kawaii," which translates roughly as "cute."

Occasionally she says something interesting. Like at the bar where she was chatting with Julie the Asian bartender, she said that white women ruin their skin by sunbathing, and that's why white women in their thirties look old. Damn, she nailed that one! White women who are reading this, get the hell out of the sun now if you plan on still being single in your thirties.

I'm not into Asian girls, but compared to the way other Asian girls look she's in the top 20%, maybe even better than that. Her teeth are slightly lacking but I've seen a heck of a lot worse in Asian girls who aren't known for their good teeth.

For some weird reason, it turns me on that someone shallow and superficial like Yoko wants to hang out with me. I wish a shallow and superficial white girl from America in the top 20% lookswise would be interested in me.

Monday, December 26, 2005

Two hot Asian girls feel each others' legs

After the movie and before dinner, we go into this empty bar (it was 5:15 PM on a Monday that's a holiday, no one's around) and we had gin & tonics (but Yoko hardly touched hers, she's not much of a drinker, she just likes to order stuff).

Anyway, the bartender is this Asian girl wearing a very tight t-shirt which shows off her hot body. Why do all these Asian girls all of a sudden have hot bodies? She even had a better body than Yoko. And she had this big tattoo all over her left arm.

In a comment last time, someone got mad at me for calling "women" "girls." Well the bartender's t-shirt read "Everybody loves an Asian girl." If her t-shirt says she's a "girl," who am I to call her anything else?

So Julie, the Asian girl bartender with the tattoo and the hot body starts talking to us, and first she's asking me a whole bunch of questions about what I do, which was weird, it was almost like she was hitting on me. And then Julie recommends various places for us to go, such as expensive lounges and Broadway musicals (those Asian girls sure know how to spend their boyfriends' money)

Then Yoko and Julie start chatting about skin care and complimenting each other's looks and discussing their workout regimens. And they also both agreed that white women were ugly compared to Asians. Wow, they're both racist!

It ended with the two of them feeling each other's calf muscles to see who had the more muscular legs. It was almost lesbian-like. This was well worth the cost of a movie and dinner and drinks and two cab rides. Good thing I didn't listen to the advice of people who said I should dump Yoko because she's spoiled. Then I would have spent all day alone playing video games instead of watching two hot Asian girls feeling each others' legs.

In other dating news, I met a girl at a club, her name is Carr (what kind of weird name is Carr?) and I think she's too skinny, but besides that it's hard to remember what she looked like because it was dark. I'm going to call her because it's cool that a girl at a club would give me her phone number, even though she was drunk when she gave it to me. I think it's much more manly and non-virgin-like to meet a girl at a club than to meet a girl on the internet.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Sex and the City

Will be seeing Yoko again

Afternoon movie and early dinner on Monday. Her spoiledness is unable to walk 3/4 of a mile to the movie theater because she has to wear high heels so that's going to be an extra $12 or so in cab fare.

How did Yoko get to be so spoiled? I think her parents might be pretty well off. Yoko travels around the world and doesn't seem to have any sort of career.

The people who comment on my blog don't like Yoko. They think it's not fair that she gets to make me do all this stuff for her just because my penis likes her. Well life hasn't been fair to me either.

I am going to give my penis the benefit of the doubt here. It's his turn to stand up for himself.

Anyway, I'm not sure she's that much different in her expectations from all the American women in Manhattan. She's just more honest in telling me what she expects.

There are important cultural differences between the U.S. and Japan. Japanese people are less sexually active than Americans. They don't start dating until after they graduate from high school. Japanese people are shy and less aggressive compared to Americans. I think that Yoko is turned off by the fowardness of American society.

Japanese aren't into feminism the way American women are. They still believe in differentiated gender roles. Her blatant high maintenance behavior is probably more acceptable in Japan than it is here.

For a long time I've noticed that Asian girls seem to like me better than American girls. Asians value intelligence and politeness (which is me), while American women are more into extroverted men who look like Brad Pitt.

Asigan girls like skinny guys (me) while American girls like big musclebound guys (not me).

Knowing this increases my self confidence around Yoko because she probably likes me because I'm at the top of her most desirable list, and not because she's just desperate to go out with anyone on account of being in her mid thirties and all the really desirable men are married or going out with twenty-something girls. Did I mention that Yoko is about a decade younger than me?

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Yoko will see me again. Yay!

I`d like to see you again. but I like a gentlman & sweet guy. and be friend first. is that o.K?
I think she's saying that she wants me to take her places and pay her way, but she's not going to have sex with me, or even do any french kissing.

This is great. Being forced to be physically intimate after two dates is very intimidating for a virgin like myself. Yoko is going to let me enjoy our relationship without sexual pressure.

Hopefully this will work out.

Do I have to buy her a Christmas present?

And people, stop making fun or her English, she speaks and writes English a lot better than I can write or speak in any language other than English.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Yoko writes

One line emails. One on Monday, then two today.

I'm starting to think she's a little weird. But hey, she has a great body.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Review of Jeremy

Jeremy is a low budget movie from 1973 that won critical acclaim at the Cannes Film Festival. It's a story about teenage love starring Robby Benson as Jeremy, and Glynnis O'Connor as Susan.

Why am I reviewing it in this blog? Because according to a book about male virginity written by Brian Gilmartin, Jeremy was the favorite movie of male virgins. For a long time Jeremy has been unavailable, but it was recently released on DVD so I bought a copy from out of curiousity to see what the fuss is all about.

From a technical perspective it's a pretty lousy DVD. The picture is grainy and blurry and the colors are dull. It's very disappointing to look at after viewing DVDs of modern movies and TV shows. The DVD contains no extras, just the movie.

The movie takes place in New York City, so if you're a New Yorker you'll find it interesting seeing what the city looked like in 1973. I also liked the early 1970s folk music soundtrack, but unfortunately the same song was played several times; it would have been better to have a greater variety of music.

But the story itself? Jeremy is a shy and very nerdy looking high school sophomore who has never had any sort of relationship with a girl. He's afraid to even talk to them. This is probably familiar to most male virgins, but I found it painful to watch.

A beautiful girl, Susan, sees Jeremy playing the cello at a school concert, and likes him because of that. Jeremy likes her because of her looks. (I don't think she looks that exciting, but that's not the point, Jeremy does, and perhaps she was pretty for 1973 but what we consider pretty changes with the decades.)

Jeremy's attempts to ask her out are incredibly nerdy and dorky, but once they are together it's Susan who pushes the relationship along, and finally there is a scene where she's on top and she takes off her top and her bra and then... well I'm not sure what happened but from the context of the movie I don't think they had sex, they just made out.

I guess this movie is every male virgin's fantasy, that he will meet a pretty girl who will like him for some trait other than his looks and she will move the relationship along.

Unfortunately, the movie didn't really do that much for me. I found it slow and boring and painful to watch Jeremy being nerdy and awkward. It's not a movie I would want to watch again.

I should point out that, besides the unusual (for Hollywood) twist of Jeremy being really nerdy and Susan pushing along the relationship, the movie otherwise reinforces the usual stereotypes. The girl has to look pretty, and in order for the boy to win the heart of the pretty girl he has to do something exceptional, in this case play the cello exceptionally well.

The people commenting on my blog have a problem with me writing so much about how women look, but I'm just taking my cues from the media and society.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Is Yoko blowing me off?

In an email she writes:
I think I have cold again. didn`t go to school yestday. was in bed all day. if I feel better I`ll call you o.k?
Now how likely is it that she has yet another cold?

This is the normal trend in dating, anyone that I like isn't interested in me. This is because all men like the same women, so these much liked women have their pick of the most desirable men, and I'm not on the most desirable list.

Yes, I know I need to lower my standards, as I wrote about before.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Yoko from Tokyo has a hot body

About three weeks ago, this Japanese girl named Yoko contacted me via this online dating service. She contacted me first, which is also what happened with Rana.

I asked her why she decided to contact me. She said I looked "sweet." Somehow women can sense my virginalness just be looking at my photo, but the difference between Japanese and American girls is that most American girls are turned off by it, but Japanese girls like it.

Backing up a little, it was easy to be put off by her emails, because she wrote that she's looking for a "gentleman" who will "spoil" her and "do everything for her" and take her out to dinner and pay for everything. A total high maintenance gold digger, right? Well, at least she's honest about saying what she wants in a man. American women won't ever say what they want, apparently it ruins the romance if she actually has to spell out what she's looking for.

And the stuff that Yoko is looking for is stuff I can give her. I can't give a woman a buffed out bod with rock solid abs and an amazing sexual experience consisting of multiple orgasms. But I can buy dinner and stuff.

I figured it's my patriotic duty to give Yoko a chance. After all, Japan is our most important trading partner and best ally in the Pacific Rim, so I'm helping to promote good international relations.

Yoko told me she wants to see the Museum of Modern Art. (Tickets are $20 per person, ouch.) So I made up to meet her at her apartment today at noon. She showed up wearing this bright cyan jacket, and high boots with bright magenta socks just barely showing above the boots, and these 3/4 length jeans just the right length to show the slightest amount of skin between the magenta socks and the bottom of the jeans. And she had this really wild curly hair, not the classic straight Japanese hair you might expect.

I took a cab to the museum in order to demonstrate that I was willing to throw around some money. Her last "boyfriend" had an apartment in the city and also a house in New Jersey, so I wanted to start out the date by being "gentlemanly."

The fun began when we arrived at the museum and she took of her cyan jacket for the coat check. HOLY! SHE HAS A HOT BODY! This is not your typical anorexic Asian girl body, she had this curvaceous figure with breasts jutting out and a hint of nipple showing. Her form fitting white top was just the right length so that the tiniest bit of her perfecly flat and toned stomach was showing, which then widened into beautiful hips and a pleasantly rounded behind. WOW WOW WOW WOW!

My penis, which had been perfectly flaccid for most of the time I spent with Jane, perked up at the sight of Yoko's incredible body.

Yoko says that she wants to get married (yet another breach of etiquette, everyone knows you're not supposed to talk about Big stuff like that on a first date or even a fifth date) but she can't marry an American. Why not? Americans are not gentlemen and they have no morals. And Japanese men? Some are gentleman most aren't.

And what are these morals she's talking about? I neglected to ask, but I think she means that American men want to have sex after one or two dates. Yoko, maybe, doesn't realize that American women also want to have sex after one or two dates (at least the ones in New York City) and that if you don't give them good sex they will pass on you for a guy who will. Japanese people are much less sexually active than Americans.

Skipping ahead a few hours, after the museum, a walk past the Christmas Tree at Rockefeller Center, I take her to an early dinner at a fairly nice Italian restaurant in the theater district. (Oh no! The overpriced Manhattan Italian restuarant strikes again. There goes another $100.)

During our dinner, I learned more about her body. She used to be thin like other Japanese girls, but she likes to eat too much, so in order to burn off the food she has to exercise a lot, and she had a home gym in Japan where she'd lift weights every day. Yes, she's been lifting weights for a very long time. In case you're wondering if she looks like some female bodybuilder, the answer is hell no, she looks HOT, and she only weighs 100 pounds, or so she claims. But it's all muscle and no fat, or so she claims.

But she says she wants to lose her muscle. Why do a thing like that? Because men in Japan don't like a girl who has any muscle. No way! Yes, American men love the way she looks, but not Japanese men. When she goes back to Japan, no one will want to date her. Disappointedly, I asked if that means that she's going to stop lifting weights? Oh no! She can't stop lifting weights or she'd get "fat"! Oh. Not logical at all but did I mention that she has an incredibly HOT BODY? I can put up with a little illogic for results like that. Yummy!

I really want to see Yoko again, I wonder if she likes me?

Friday, December 9, 2005

Me Tarzan, you Jane

I like Jane. Too bad I'm going to blow it because I don't know how to push the relationship to the next level. Last time around Rana pushed the relationship along, but that's not normally how it happens.

Tarzan had the same problem. Even though he was able to wrestle lions with his bare hands, he was also a virgin and shy around women. I highly recomment the original book by Edgar Rice Burroughs, so wonderfully politically incorrect, yet when it comes to sex so G rated. Tarzan was written in a time when a large percentage of the population actually waited until they were married to have sex.

I'm afraid I'm going to grow old alone and wind up like Bob.

Wednesday, December 7, 2005

Wednesday update

(1) I discovered that someone wrote a very long post about my blog, and one in which I'm not insulted, which is nice. In fact, the author truly demonstrates her understanding of the problems faced by male virgins. At one point she compares it to being afraid to fly on planes, which is a comparison that I myself have been meaning to write about.

(2) Jane snagged us tickets to a Broadway show. Wasn't that nice of her? Being friends with Jane has benefits. And I don't mean sexual benefits, which based upon my problems getting it up is a benefit I have no more use for than a blind man needs free DVD rentals from Blockbuster.

(3) My last post has a lot of nasty comments because I mentioned that Jane has some extra weight on her. Sorry, but my blog contains observations, and weight is a socially important trait. Women care about it more than men do. Women seem to have a pecking order amongst themselves in which the skinniest woman is at the top of the pecking order. Men don't even like anorexic looking women. The anorexic looking woman at the top of the female pecking order is a big turn-off to most men. Boy is it hypocritical for women to criticize me for noticing if someone weighs a lot when all women do is obsess over how much they weigh and go on diets.

Tuesday, December 6, 2005

Tuesday update

Today Jane writes (among a lot of other stuff):
Any interest in getting together on Friday night?
Aww, isn't that nice of her, she wants to see me on Friday. She's disobeying those Rules which say that she's supposed to play hard to get.

I don't understand why she likes me. She's very pretty except for being a few pounds too heavy. I guess the extra weight prevents her from finding higher quality dates and she has to settle for me.

Monday, December 5, 2005

Monday upate

After our date on Thursday, Jane sent me this email:
Hey [name deleted],
Thank you again for dinner last night! I had a nice time.
Let's talk soon
I think it means "I want to see you again, but I'm a girl so you have to call me first and ask me on another date because your the guy." Isn't that nice? She wants to see me again. And with me being so undesirable and all, that's amazing.

I finally called her today, and left her a brief voicemail. I'm not really looking forward to more dates, because this is where the relationship has to become more intimate, and we know that I suck at that.

Anyone have any ideas for what activity I should suggest for our third date?


I was at this stupid charity event tonite (there goes another $50), but none of the people were really there for the charity, it was more of a "meet market," I think, not that I ever meet anyone at these things. (I also wonder how poor people ever manage to meet anybody?)

Despite what some of the commenters on my blog say to the contary, everything about the meet market is geared towards superficial evaluations of how people look. The women talk to each other about what losers and how ugly the men are. It's far worse than any of the stuff I wrote on my blog that I get flak for. I started feeling sorry for the men who were so reviled by the women, but then I came to my senses and realized that I need to feel more sorry for myself. Even the loser men are probably not virgins. If they aren't shy, then persistence will eventually pay off for them. But for men who are shy, the world really sucks.

Thursday, December 1, 2005

Second date with Jane

I haven't written about any recent dates since I broke up with Rana. But my date tonight with Jane was much better than any of my other recent dates (and by recent I mean within the last year).

My first date with Jane was two weeks ago, and it was a really cheap date where I only had to buy her a cup of coffee at Starbucks (although Starbucks in Manhattan is awfully overpriced). Then she went away to Seattle for Thanksgiving so I didn't see her for two weeks.

Jane is great to talk to. Every other date I go on, I feel like I have to make an effort to converse, but Jane is just fun and easy. Maybe it helps a little that we both went to the same college. I don't know if we just happen to click or if Jane is a naturally chatty person and everyone feels this way about her.

And Jane is really cute. She looks like Meg Ryan, but with an extra sixty pounds. Yeah, I figure Meg Ryan weighs about a hundred and Jane weighs in at around 160 and 5'7". But she has a really pretty face and gorgeous blonde hair. I wonder if the men around New York see her attractive looks, or maybe they are turned off because she's not skinny? I don't know. Rana was skinny but she was ugly. Jane is adorable and zaftig. Jenny, my first and only (unrequited) love weighed 150. Jenny was also a blue eyed blonde.

Jane seems to like me. Am I special, or does she just have some kind of weird taste for nerdy virginal guys? Or does she have trouble finding dates because she weighs too much? When we parted, she said something about wanting to see me again, and she had me give her a second kiss. Surely she wouldn't encourage me like that if she didn't want to see me again? Maybe I was supposed to do more than just give her a quick kiss? Maybe I was supposed to invite her back to my place so we could have hot and heavy sex? (Although we know that probably wouldn't work out so well.)

Monday, November 21, 2005

My first date ever

After my summer when I fell in unrequited love with Jenny, I returned to graudate school feeling miserable and still maybe somewhat suicidal. I tried to take up smoking, because I figured if I couldn't kill myself quickly, at least I could do it slowly. Fortunately for my health, I was never able to get the hang of it. When classmates saw me smoking, maybe it did just a little to shed my virginal nice guy image. Or maybe everyone saw right through that.

I decided that, if I couldn't have Jenny, the next best thing would be to find some other girl to love. Of course I had always been deathly afraid to approach a girl, but my relationship with Jenny revealed that at least a girl might be interested in talking to me. And it filled me with a great fear. I was afraid that I would never recapture the feeling of love, and although I have accepted that now, back then it was dreadful.

For a while this fear was greater than my regular fear of girls. I went out to a bar with some classmates, and I spotted a beautiful girl in the bar (yes, I know now that it was a mistake to only go after the pretty ones), and I caught her eye, smiled at her, she smiled back, and I engaged her in a conversation. She was a receptionist for a dentist. How lovely! How awesome it would be to have a beautiful non-college educated girlfriend. But alas, she made up some excuse about going to the bathroom, and I said something like "well you have to give me your phone number then," and she smiled and said no thanks. I didn't get a phone number, but at least I felt good about myself for going into battle.

I found out that there was going to be a social gathering at a campus religious organization. I don't think I ever really believed in the religion, but this was supposed to be a good way to meet girls. Once again, the fear of being alone the rest of my life proplled me to action. I felt like I was in a zone that evening, talking to all the girls at the social gathering, and collecting not one, but two phone numbers. Wow, I had never done that before.

But which girl should I call? My big mistake, of course, was not calling both of them. Dating is a game of percentages. But I was new to it. I had never been on a real date before. I called the girl who was the prettier of the two, a really cute undergraduate student with blonde hair and blue eyes, about 5'6" and 135 pounds. Her name was Madison. How cute.

It's hard to describe how overjoyed I was when I called Madison, and she actually agreed to go to dinner with me. After the phone conversation, I fretted over where to take her. I discovered a restaurant at a local resort hotel with singing waiters.

I suppose I overdid it. The waiters sang in a fun way not a romantic way, but nevertheless this may have been too much for a first date.

The date took a horrible downward spiral when the check came, and she didn't want me to pay for her dinner. Somehow, I knew this was a rejection. I argued over her with it until we agreed that she would pay the tip.

Thinking back on that date, it was so touching that she actually felt bad about getting a free dinner. These hardened bitches in their mid thirties in New York City, such as Sarah, have no problem with enjoying expensive meals from men that they have no interest in.

Madison hung out with me on the grounds of the hotel after the dinner, and while we were sitting by the pool, with palm trees around us, we were both looking up at the sky and we saw a shooting star. This was the first and last time in my life that I ever saw a shooting star. It really helped to mark the evening as special.

Looking back on all the dates I've been on since then, my first date ever was also my best date ever. I think that some of the love I felt for Jenny I was able to transfer to Madison, so this date was the closest I ever came to going out for a romantic evening with someone I loved.

When I dropped her off at her apartment, I tried to kiss her on her lips, but all she gave me was her cheek.

Madison didn't want to see me again after that.

My fear of being alone subsided shortly after that and once again became less than my fear of girls. Once again I was too afraid to ask girls out on dates. I was never again able to recover that strange feeling of fear and hopelessness that gave me courage.

Friday, November 4, 2005

Virginal Apprentice

Thursday's episode of The Apprentice demonstrates the antipathy that the world has for virgins. Twenty-two year old Adam is the project manager for his team. The project this week is to design and teach an adult education class. Over his objections that he doesn't feel comfortable with the topic, his team decides to teach "Sex at Work." Adam's lack of comfort with the topic seems a source of amusement for the other members of the team, especially Alla the 31 year-old multi-millionaire spa owner. I think the whole thing amounted to borderline sexual harrassment. That's the way people would have seen it if the sexes were reversed.

Later in the Boardroom, Donald Trump bluntly asks Adam if he ever had sex, and from the way he fumbled with saying that he didn't feel comfortable answering the question, it's obvious that the answer was "no." Only people who are virgins can undertand the shame that comes with being a virgin. Then Donald goes into a whole speech about how great sex is, as if he's really helping Adam by telling him that what he isn't getting is so wonderful. It's not like he's a virgin by choice. Meanwhile, Donald is far more supportive of Clay who comes out as a homosexual. Apparently, sticking one's penis up other guys' anuses is considered more normal than never having stuck it anywhere at all.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Beauty and virginity

Is beauty the most important attribute a girl has? The politically correct answer is no, but if beauty isn't that important why are people jumping all over me because I pointed out that Rana is ugly? If I complained that she was lousy at playing bridge, everyone would have laughed because everyone knows that playing bridge is not an attribute that anyone actually cares about. By being so upset that I said she's ugly, this is a tacit admission that looks are really the most important thing.

Being fixated on beauty and other socially desirable attributes contributes to virginity. Most regular non-virgin men will lower their standards until they can get sexual satisfaction. It is said that men in prison will lower their standards so much that they rape other male prisoners. It's not because the prison rapists are gay, it's because a guy's behind is the closest they can get to what they want, so they lower their standards really really low.

I think I made some definite progress by pursuing the relationship with Rana as long as I did. The pre-blog me would have avoided her both because she wasn't attractive and because the whole sex thing is so scary.

Now some commenters to the blog think that I should never talk about a girl's looks, but how can I have an honest conversation otherwise? Rana not looking so great is an essential part of who she is. If she were really hot, she wouldn't have contacted me on the online dating service because she would have been too busy going out with all the guys who were interested in her because of her looks.

Now I really do understand that I have a problem with fixating on girls who are too far above me on the social desirability scale. And then I'm afraid to ask them out anyway, and if I do get on a date with them my virginness emanates from me and they sense that I'm a loser with women, and this of course turns them off.

It would be much better for me to find an average looking girl, not one below average like Rana, but neither one so hot that she doesn't want anything to do with me except maybe to use me for an expensive dinner or two.

Friday, October 14, 2005

A 49-year-old virgin

Here's a link to an article about a 49-year-old virgin, or he was a virgin until he saw a sex surrogate. Here are my thoughts on the article:

(1) The therapy industry totally screwed the guy (but unfortunately for him only in the figurative sense). He was in therapy for eighteen years but all he did was throw away his money. Finally, when he was 49, he had to convince his therapist to recommend him for the only logical treatment which is sex surrogate therapy.

Think about it. If you are afraid to swim, do you talk about it with a shrink for 18 years, or do you go find a swim instructor and take some lessons? My brief run ins with therapists when I was in my twenties quickly revealed to me how totally useless they are.

So people, stop telling me to seek therapy.

(2) The article talks about the shame of virginity:
"Every older virgin has a unique story," [pyschologist] Johnston explains. "They run the gamut from terrible shyness to emotionally barren families to sexual abuse. But all older virgins feel terrible shame. They feel embarrassed and humiliated by their lack of relationship experience." Age 30 seems to be a line of demarcation. "By 30," Blanchard explains, "older virgins feel so socially awkward and out of sync with the world around them that they choose to hide."
That's exactly how I felt. Telling Rana that I never had a girlfriend before was very difficult to do. I think this blog helped. After telling the dozens of anonymous strangers who read this blog, I was able to surmount the hurdle and tell a real live girl. This blog is better therapy for me than seeing a shrink.

(3) The article says "One potential hazard of surrogate work for older virgins is the possibility of falling in love with the surrogate partner." I can see how this is true. The first pretty girl who ever showed an interest in me was Jenny, and I fell in love with her.

Luckily I've gotten over the love hurdle. When I fell in love with Jenny, I had no idea what was happening. Now that I know what love is, I'll probably be able to block those feelings the next time around. Because of being in love with Jenny, I felt like my life wasn't worth living and I wanted to commit suicide. I don't ever want to feel that way again.

(4) The therapy described in the article doesn't sound that much different than what I got from Rana for free, so let's hope the experience will help me the next time. If there is a next time. At the moment I have no one to date. And all the girls that I like aren't interested in me because they can do better. Only the ugly ones like Rana want me.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005


New Yorkers waiting in line to buy breakfast from a street vendor.

It's over with Rana. Yeah!

I don't think that commenters have any right to get on my case because I put off for a day telling Rana that I didn't want to continue our relationship. The reason I didn't want to tell her is because I felt bad about it and I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

I wish I was the scumbag that some people make me out to be, then I would have just called her and said "yo bitch, you ugly, go back to Moldavia." But if I was a scumbag like that then I wouldn't be in this nearly-middle-aged virgin situation. Scumbags get laid a lot easier than people like me who worry too much about others' feelings.

However, I finally got up the nerve to call her, and it wasn't so bad, she didn't seem that upset at all and she was nice about it. I did give off a lot of not-interested signals on Sunday, so I guess she already got the message.

To wrap up this Rana relationship, let me explain the whole thing again. I met Rana, and although she wasn't that pretty at least she wasn't fat, and a big part of my virginity problem is that I've been too much of a perfectionist, and who am I to hold women to such a high standard when I'm not so good looking myself?

At first, I really enjoyed the fact that she seemed to like me so much. But this lasted for only one or two dates. After that, the more I saw of her the less I actually liked her.

However, this relationship has been a big step forward for me. I had only french kissed a girl one time before, and that last time was a one time event a long time ago. I wouldn't even be a virgin anymore if Rana had been sexy enough to give me a hard-on when she wasn't directly stroking my penis.

Let's hope that Rana has helped to overcome my fear of getting intimate with women. And there's another huge fear she helped me overcome; I've always been afraid to tell people my problem. I was able to confess my virginity to Rana, and I think this blog helped, because before I told Rana I told the world anonymously. It's surely no coincidence that only a month after starting this blog I got further with a girl then I ever did in my entire life. So I will continue to put up with the crap I've been getting, such as people telling me that I'm an asshole or that I'm gay, and I'll keep writing here.

Hopefully, with the next girl I'll be able to get past two chaste dates. There is going to be a next girl, her name is Ashley, and I will write more tomorrow, so stay tuned.

Monday, October 10, 2005


Help! I'm afraid to call Rana to tell her I don't want to see her again.

I've never had to do this before. In the past, it has always been that the women didn't want to see me.

She sent me four emails since yesterday, none of which I responded to.

In comments, someone said that the real reason I don't like her is because I couldn't get it up. But no, she actually has no redeeming qualities except for the one very important quality that she liked me. She said I was handsome, and I think she actually meant it too. No women has ever told me that before.

I bought a new digital camera today on the way home to work. It's small enough to fit in a pocket so I'll be able to carry it all the time, and whenever I see a scene that defines the essence of New York City I'll be able to capture it.

Sunday, October 9, 2005


They say that insanity is repeating the same behavior again and expecting different results.

So Rana spent the night at my apartment again and I'm still a virgin (but at least the doormen think I'm sexually active).

I can't stand Rana. I don't want to ever see her again. But I didn't have the heart to tell her that this morning. I think she left some crap in my apartment, like a cat marking its territory or something.

She cooked me dinner last night. In the middle of the night I felt sick. It must have been her food.

Every outfit I see her wearing is more pathetic than the last. It's embarrassing to be seen in public with her.

She was annoyed at me because I told her I had to go to work this afternoon. Where the hell does she think the money comes from to pay for all of our dates? (Although she is an extremely cheap date, unlike Sarah; but quality costs money--not that Sarah was such high quality, but definitely a lot higher in quality than Rana.) Truth be told, going to work was preferable to spending more time with her.

I think I need a new hobby besides blogging, dating, playing computer games, and not being the master of my domain. Does anyone have a suggestion?

Thursday, October 6, 2005

She won't leave me alone

She's stopping by tomorrow morning before I go to work to bring me some food she cooked.

Help, she won't leave me alone.

It's weird that someone likes me so much that she has to make an excuse to see me for twenty minutes.

Wednesday, October 5, 2005

Thoughts on Rana

I saw Rana again tonight. We just went to dinner and walked around the city. We didn't go to anyone's apartment.

I still don't like kissing her. I think I like it even less. She keeps wanting to stick her tongue in my mouth all the time. Even in public.

I am incredibly grateful to her for what she has tried to do for me, and for the fact that she likes me so much. I don't understand why she likes me so much. No one has ever been as nice to me as Rana has.

I am in no position to judge other people based on their looks. I don't look so good myself. My body is pathetic, yet Rana actually liked seeing me naked.

Probably, a girl who looks good enough that I'd be proud to show her off to my friends and family wouldn't be interested in me anyway.

I wish Rana could at least get a better haircut and wear some nicer clothes. She brags that her clothes are such high quality they lasted 10 years. Yuck! Is there a polite way to tell a girl she needs to buy an entire new wardrobe and throw out every item of clothing that she owns?

It's possible that my ability to have good sex has been ruined because I haven't done it and I'm almost forty years old. So even if Rana looked better (yet still, for some unfathomable reason, felt the same way about me) I still might not be able to get it up.

Rana has invited herself to spend the night at my apartment this Saturday. I'm not looking forward to it right now. I need to figure out some way to get really horny by then.

Almost not a virgin

I should have written this update on Sunday, but I just wasn't ready to write about it. It's not a happy story.

I will skip the unimportant stuff, like all day Saturday, and get back to Saturday evening. She invited herself back to my apartment, under the pretense of needing a warm cup of tea. We were cuddling and kissing on my couch, and then I finally told her that I've "never had a girlfriend before." I didn't have to say anything else about virginity, she got what I meant.

Rana was then incredibly nice about the whole thing, and she set out to be my "teacher." The lesson involved gradually taking off our clothes, and moving from the couch to my bed, and us gradually touching each other's more private parts. First her breasts, and then her clitoris, and then I was sticking my finger into her vagina (she really seems to like that). And then she was ready for the final act. Luckily I had a pack of condoms purchased four years ago (they didn't even expire yet).

And I couldn't get it up.

This is as I predicted before.

Rana has been so nice about all of this. Any regular girl wouldn't have been interested in seeing me again, but Rana is still acting like I'm her boyfriend.

We slept in my bed together, naked. Well, I hardly slept. In the morning she suggested we shower together.

This experience, on the one hand, has been extremely therapeutic because it has helped to reduce my fear of the mysterious hidden female body parts.

On the other hand, there is the psychological fallout from not being able to do the deed.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Seeing Rana again on Saturday

She wants me to come to her apartment so she can cook me breakfast/brunch and show me her apartment. I'm sure it's going to involve more french kissing, but I wonder what else she expects from me?

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Bob died today

Bob was a school teacher in the New York City public school system. I think he was in his early fifties. For the last several months, people noticed that he was looking thinner and sickly, but he never went to see a doctor. This Monday he called in sick from work, and then today he was found dead in his apartment.

Bob never had a girlfriend. I know that he suffered from my problem, but other people don't understand that. "He must be gay" people said, and they assume that he died of AIDS. People just can't comprehend how a non-gay man could never have a girlfriend. But I know. Bob was a guy who was not only too shy to have a girlfriend, but he was too shy to even go see a doctor when he was obviously sick, and he paid for his problem with his life.

I only met Bob a few times, but still I am incredibly sad to find out about his death. And I know that I could turn out like Bob, a lonely man in his fifties who dies because he's afraid to go see the doctor. For every other type of illness there is medical research and public awareness, but Bob and I and others who suffer from male virginity suffer in anonymity and without anyone caring about our problem. In fact, I try to write about this honestly, and people call me a "shithead" because of it.

I'm glad I didn't find out about Bob until after my date with Rana, because then I would have felt bad all evening. The date involved some more tongue action while we were watching a movie. She really likes to touch me and kiss me. I think Rana might be able to save me from Bob's fate if I am able to overcome my fears and inhibitions and let her.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Rana's email

This email she sent me on Sunday evening is so sweet:
I feel myself very lucky that I have a chance to meet you and I think we are going to improve our friendship by sharing many things together. I had outstanding weekend , Thank you, I can't wait to see you on Wednesday.
I am sending you my kisses.
This is really one of the nicest emails I've ever received. (Please forgive her English, as I pointed out before, this isn't her native language. She has a Master's degree in a rigorous subject area.)

Sunday, September 25, 2005

French kissing Rana

Today, for only the second time in my life, I French kissed.

Let's back up a few days. This Eastern European girl named Rana contacted me on an online dating service, and I saw her for the first time on Thursday, and then again on Saturday and again today.

The bad part is that I really didn't like the kissing that much. Putting tongues into other people's mouths? Kind of yucky. I should have had a raging hard on the whole time, but I didn't. Is it because I don't find her that attractive? Or because I'm so used to pleasuring myself that I'm no longer capabable of doing it properly with a live girl?

Back when I was in high school or college, all I had to do was look at a pretty girl and then boing! This doesn't really happen anymore. This is why it's important for a guy to lose his virginity at an early age when he can get it up so easily. My flagging sex drive, combined with the fact that she's not the world's most attractive girl (but she's cute in her way) and my nervousness about doing anything sexual could be fatal to my desire to overcome my problem.

Rana could tell that something wasn't quite right. I told her I was shy. But as we know, there's a lot more going on than just me being shy.

Rana is the one making all the first moves in this relationship. I don't think I've ever met anyone who has liked me so much. Maybe it's because she's a foreigner. As I mentioned before, women are biologically programmed to avoid losers, but what makes someone a loser is very highly cultural specific, and having been in the U.S. for only three years or so, she is unable to read my loser signals.

I'm surprised that Rana is so aggressive. She comes from a country where most of the people are Muslim, so I figured she'd be really uptight and it would be safe to invite her up to my apartment. Boy was I wrong about that.

I really like the fact that someone likes me so much. I wish I found her more attractive. I don't see myself falling in love with her the way I fell in love with Jenny.

I guess Rana now thinks I'm her boyfriend, or something like that.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Yes, I'm really a virgin

Based upon reading some of the comments, people still seem to have hard time believing I'm a virgin. But I don't understand why it's hard to believe. Does everyone think it's so easy to get laid?

This speculation is actually downright mean, because it's dismissive of what's, for me, a very bad situation. Being a virgin isn't the same as being someone who has never been to Paris, easily fixed by booking a vacation. My virginity is a symptom of my social phobias involving women and physical intimacy. This fear prevents me from doing what it takes to establish a romantic relationship with a woman.

This is a big deal for me because I can never experience the joy of being in love with someone who loves me back, never have a normal life where I eventually get married and have children.

Why do people think I'd be faking it? One suggestion is that it's a prank I'm pulling just for fun. While I do find a sort of strange amusement that people are actually reading this, normally when people hear about a guy putting in so much effort to pull this sort of a prank, they often say "there's a guy who really needs to get laid." Yes, if I had a girlfriend I'd probably be too busy to blog.

The other suggested motivation for faking this blog is that it will help me get some sympathy sex from women who feel pity for my virginness. That's extremely unlikely to happen. Women don't want to have sex with virgins. That is part of the problem with being a virgin. And the older a woman is, the more she's turned off by the idea.

As the Modern Guy wrote:
For most males the opportunity to be the duke of defloration in a girl's life is the opportunity to leave his mark. It presents a unique challenge in which he is charged with the quest of penetrating her most powerful defense systems. This also creates a great deal of responsibility for the man in this situation; the pressure of being her first and (for a time at least) only. But for most guys this is more of an honor than a burden.
For females that theory does not seem to apply in the same manner. Upon interviewing a few females, I discovered that some girls like a guy who has had a chance to hone his skills. They would rather have experience than viridity. I also found that sometimes females see male virgins who are in their 20's as being undesirable due to the fact that they have struck out during the first quartile of their life. It is as if they are unwilling to "take a chance" on a guy who has been previously passed over by others.
This really ties in to my previous post. Women are biologically programmed to avoid casual sex with virgins.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Insecurities and evolutionary biology

People wrote in comments to the last post that I have "insecurities."

Of course I do. To be insecure is to be lacking in confidence. Confidence in an activity comes from being successful at it. A heart surgeon who has done hundreds of heart operations would be confident in his ability to perform another surgery because of his track record of success. But if you suddenly found yourself in an operating room holding a scalpel, and you were supposed to start surgery, you would be justifiably insecure.

Similarly, past success with women would naturally make a man confident that he would be successful again. On the other hand, since I've had nothing but failure with women, I would naturally be extremely insecure when it comes to women. There are some people who are able to fake confidence even though they have no basis for it, but unfortunately I am not one of those relatively rare people.

Because women like men who are confident, this becomes either a virtuous or vicious circle. The man who is succesful with women becomes more confident, which makes him even more attractive to women, which makes him even more successful, inflating his confidence even more. But I am, unfortunately, on the vicious end of that circle.

Women say they like men who are confident. Women say a lot of things they like about men, much of it not true, but I believe that women like confident men because it has a bio-evolutionary basis. Evolutionary biology teaches us that women look for a mate who will maximize their offspring's evolutionary fitness. Sometimes this is wrongly stated as giving their children a survival advantage, but this is only part of it. A woman will want to have boy children who will pass on their genes to as many women as possible, maximzing the spread of her own genes. Thus the alpha male is the preferred mate for a woman, because whatever genes make a man an alpha male will hopefully be passed on to male children who will themselves become alpha males.

Evolutionary biologists often wrongly try to define the alpha male in terms of particular physical characteristics, but this overlooks the fact that humans are complicated social animals, and alpha maleness is as much a social construct as it is one based on some particular characteristic such as being tall or muscular. But because the alpha male is, by definition, someone who is highly successful with women, he will naturally be very confident around women. This is the biological reason why women like men who are confident. It is a sign of alpha maleness. Women who had sex with confident men were more successful in spreading their genes.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

My second date with Sarah

Remember Sarah? I finally went on that second date with her. We wound up eating another full course meal at an expensive Upper West Side restaurant, setting me back another $100. (I saved $20 this time by not ordering desert.)

At the end of the date, I didn't get any "buy signals" like I got the last time. I think that maybe she is put off by the virginness that I radiate. Or maybe she just uses men for expensive dinners and figures she can milk each guy for two expensive dates.

Tomorrow I have a date with this fat girl. Now I know that some of my female readers will think it's offensive to use the term "fat girl," but really how else do I describe her? "Big girl," "large girl," 5'8" and maybe as much as 200 lbs girl? It all means the same thing, and it's a very important aspect of who she is.

The fat girl is really into me, we were holding hands and hugging and stuff on the first date, I think I'm more comfortable with her because I know she's beneath me (figuratively so far), and I don't feel like I need to impress her. I can just be myself. But just myself isn't good enough for a pretty girl like Sarah who fancies eating out at expensive restaurants.

The fat girl is also actually quite a pleasant person to talk to. She has two Ivy League degrees, her MBA is from one of the most prestigious business schools in the country, so she's quite smart and she has a very good job. If any of that stuff was actually important to men, she'd be a primo catch and she'd never be interested in me.

Thursday, September 1, 2005

Followup on my previously blogged about dates

I wore jeans and a polo shirt out to my date on Sunday with Felicia, which was the suggestion of a woman Felicia's age who is a veteran New Yorker (whom I know in the real world and not online). So I was surpised when Felicia shows up looking all formal in a black and white skirt, with a black top thing preppily tied around her shoulders, and wearing a lot of matching silver colored jewelry.

I'm inclined to think that SHE'S the one who made the fashion faux pas here. My problem is with social phobia specific to physical intimacy with women and not with fashion.

Felicia is 35, but she looks older than 35. I'd have guessed she was 40 if I didn't know better. I don't mean to sound like I'm saying that she's not good enough for me, because that would only be an excuse for my real problem which is fear of pursuing this. This is why I called her today, but I just got her voicemail.

Felicia has good qualities such as she's tall, flirty, and has a pretty good body, certainly better than mine, and I will write more about my pathetic body in the future because that's an important source of my problems with women.

I called Sarah tonight too, but also just got her voicemail. I think I might like Sarah better, but that's probably because I only had one date with her.

It also occurred to me yesterday that these negative affirmations are not helping me at all, yet I don't see how I can realistically imagine doing the deed with these prospects. It's like one of the commentors said, I can't have sex for the first time with a woman I really like.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Another date tomorrow

I have a brunch date tomorrow (Sunday) with Felicia. This is a second date. Like with Sarah, I met her online. But unlike my $120 dinner with Sarah, my first date with Felicia consisted of one drink for her and one drink for me, for a total of $22 (yes, drinks are expensive in Manhattan).

It feels so weird that a fairly attractive woman would actually want to see me again. I don't get what I'm doing right.

I have no idea what I should wear to this brunch date, which will be at a fairly nice restaurant on the Upper East Side. I was thinking a polo shirt worn out and jeans, because I don't want to give the impression that I'm trying too hard and Sunday brunch is sort of informal, I think. If anyone from Manhattan is reading this before noon tomorrow, please help me out.

I hope she doesn't invite me back to her apartment afterwards, that's always so awkward. I have no idea what women expect when they do that.

My first, and maybe last, (unrequited) love

In my mid-twenties I was attending graduate school, and this story happened one summer when I was working as an intern at a government agency.

Through happenstance, I was partnered with this girl named Jenny. I was immediately smitten by her looks. Now up to this point in my life, I had never had much contact with girls I considered to be pretty, and in fact I was certain that no girl like Jenny could ever remotely consider me worthwhile even for casual conversation.

But a strange thing happened between me and Jenny. We became really close friends. The internship didn't require us to do much work, so we had a lot of free time to just hang out and talk. Being with Jenny was a pure delight. I came to realize that she was the most wonderful and beautiful girl in the entire world, and there was not a single other person on the entire planet that I could imagine spending the rest of my life with besides Jenny. I didn't understand the emotions I was experiencing at the time, but yes, I had fallen in love with her.

This was purely unrequited love, because there was absolutely no romantic contact between us and no evidence that she thought of me as anything but a friend. Also she had some loser boyfriend with big muscles that I presume she was having sex with (although I'm not sure where because she was living with her parents and he would never let her into his house).

During the course of the summer, I realized that I was totally incapable of doing anything to move our relationship to the next level. The thought of telling her how I felt, or putting some sort of "moves" on her, filled me with dread and terror.

Making things even worse, about a week before the internship was to come to an end, Jenny suddenly distanced herself from me. She didn't say anything at all about this, and tried to act like nothing had happened. Yet I was so attuned to her that I instantly was aware that something had changed. Who knows why? Probably she was put off by the puppy dog-like way I followed her around and looked longingly at her yet never made any kind of first move.

This was the only time in my life that I thought seriously about committing suicide. I felt like life wasn't worth living without her. Suicide seemed like a pretty good plan, except that I was as terrified of committing suicide as I was about attempting physical intimacy with Jenny. So I made a pact with myself to kill myself on my thirtieth birthday if I couldn't find love and sex by then. Obviously this was a pact that I never followed up on.

My relationship with Jenny was a major turning point in my life. I learned about how great it felt to be in love and how horrible it felt for the love not to be returned. Ever since, I have been haunted with the desire to experience that feeling of love again. And although I became brutally aware of how terrified I was of physical intimacy with women, I also learned that an attractive woman could consider me worthy enough to be a very close friend.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Thoughts on the movie

In the future I will write more about my past, which I think you will find more interesting and will better explain why I'm still a virgin.

But today I will write about my date on Tuesday night because it's more temporally relevant. Her name is Sarah and I met her on (There are probably lots of virgins using because it's a lot less scary setting up a date with someone via online personals than it is to approach someone in person and ask her out or ask for her phone number so you can call her to ask them out.)

There was once a time when any contact at all with a girl was a terrifying experience, but I've come to like first dates if the girl is nice. There is no sexual pressure on a first date except at the end when I don't know what I'm supposed to do. (Do I peck her on the cheek? Shake her hand? Grope her ass and stick my tongue in her mouth? I have no idea.)

I met her at her apartment, which is much better than meeting at some restaurant or bar where I'd have to stand outside wondering if I'd recognize her. But it's somewhat surprising that she allowed such a meeting place. I'd be embarrassed if I let a woman from meet me at my apartment, and she turned out to be grotesquely overweight, and the doorman had to see me going out with such an horrific date. Maybe my photos gave her some level of confidence (not that I look so great), or maybe she is so used to living in a doorman building that she no longer thinks of the doormen as human beings.

Although not drop dead gorgeous, Sarah did turn out to be pleasant looking. Her two main flaws are (1) she looks 36 years old (which is her age); and (2) she has a weak chin. And yes, I shouldn't judge people because I'd surely come up short if others judged me, but unfortunately I'm a human being, and this is what we human beings do.

Because I was late on account of getting stuck at a meeting at work, I said something like "since I get paid by the hour, I guess I owe you a nice dinner," and she took the opening to suggest this very nice Italian place near Lincoln Center with outdoor seating. Although dinner wound up costing $120, I'd say it was worth the money, because it was one of those really nice places you always wish you were dining at, but you can't go there alone, and you can't go there with a guy friend because people would think you were gay eating at a place like that with another guy. So you really need a girlfriend or a date, and because dates are rare and I've never had a girlfriend, such a nice meal was a welcome opportunity.

And I enjoyed her company. She was nice to look at and pleasant to talk to. But she was not as bright as most of the women in Manhattan. She only went to a local state school instead of an elite private college like most Manhattanites (yours truly included). And she was completely fascinated by the fact that we both had the same birthday. I pointed out that one of every 365 people you meet will have the same birthday as you, but she seemed unable to grasp the mathematics. And then she started telling me about her interest in astrology, which I had to politely listen to. Believing in astrology isn't the worst flaw a woman can have. Being a vegetarian, for example, would be a lot worse.

After dinner I walked her back to her apartment building, at which time I had to deal with that awkward ending. The first time around wasn't so great, she would have let me kiss on her on her lips, but I chickened out and went left. Then we stood outside talking for another twenty minutes or so, and although she's going on vacation for the next two weeks, she encouraged me to call her on her cell phone while she was away. I find it very touching when a woman gives me encouragement to call her again, because in my initial experiences with dating (which I will write about in future posts), my first dates almost always tried to avoid all contact with me afterwards. I then kissed her again, and this time landed a quick kiss on her lips, and touched her upper arm while doing so. Better than the first time.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Introducing the almost 40-year-old virgin

I'm less than two years shy of 40 years old and I'm still a virgin.

This is worse than admitting that you're an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a semi-cool psychological illness. Lots of rich and famous people are alcoholics. How many rich and famous people are/were still virgins at nearly the age of 40? Besides the Pope, probably none.

I'm sure I'm not the only person my age afflicted with this problem. But the thing about us virgins is that we're very private and shy people, and extremely embarrassed about our condition. One of our greatest fears is that people might discover our affliction. That's why you won't see an Oprah Winfrey show devoted to virgins. As if she even cares about this unique male problem anyway.

Through the anonymity of the internet (although I am aware that the people at Google/Blogger can easily figure out my real identity if they track IP addresses), I am creating this blog to inform the world about what it's like to be as old as I am and still a virgin. But the short answer for now is that it really sucks.

Monday, January 31, 2005

Kelly, date two

It was a great date and it was definitely worth missing George W Bush's State of the Union Address.

The sushi place was quite nice, and it wasn't even that expensive! Sushi is cheap compared to Italian food. Kelly wanted to pay for half the meal, but I insisted on paying. But then she said she'd buy me a drink to make up for it, so I couldn't turn down that offer. We went to a nearby touristy hotel and they had a really nice bar with a great view.

I finally got Kelly to talk about her job. As you recall, she didn't want to talk about it on the phone, and she didn't say much on our first date either, but tonight she really opened up and talked about it. I think it's really sexy that she has such a great job. It turns me on. This means I'm a pervert. A normal guy would get a big softie if the girl had a better job than him.

Kelly said she wants to see me again, and that's good because I want to see her again too. When I kissed her as we parted, all she offered me was her cheek. I guess she's not ready for lip contact. I doubt she'd want to have third date sex like Carr would.


So far there have been four non-anonymous comments to my last post, so I will answer one more.