A slimy clump of moss

KELLY

I spoke to Kelly on the phone yesterday. I found out more about her profession, even though she doesn't like to talk about it. She wouldn't even tell me what company she worked for, but after our conversation I Googled her and figured out her company and her title.

I'm trying to figure out how much money she makes, I figure that maybe a $165K base salary plus an $80K bonus would be plausible. But who knows? Her industry pays some crazy ass salaries.

It pisses me off that she's only thirty years old and she wasn't even born in this country and she's making a monster $250K salary. That's the job I should have had when I was thirty, and I would have done it a lot better than the people who do it.

And her salary will continue to grow while mine is stuck on a miserable $150K plateau until what I do is outsourced to India or my side business stops making money. People at the top of her profession pull in seven figures. It's like her salary will grow into a mighty oak tree while my salary will be like a slimy clump of moss growing on her bark.

What happens if we get married and she has kid? She couldn't give up her seven figure job to be a mom, I'd have to stay home and be the house husband. I don't think there could be anything more demasculating that than. It's like getting your penis cut off. We'd go to parties and she'd be introduced as the Managing Director at Drexel Burnham Lambert with a seven figure salary and then people would ask "what does your husband would do?" and she'd say "oh he just stays home with our kid." And then she'd divorce me out of disgust for my lack of earning power when all the people she works with are rich and powerful Masters of the Universe, and then the divorce judge, beating a dead horse into the ground, would give her the kid and make me pay alimony to her because women always mop up in divorce court no matter what the circumstances.

Anyway, I'm meeting her after work tomorrow, but we haven't made up what we are doing. I'm supposed to call her tomorrow. I hate these kinds of amorphous arrangements. Does anyone have any suggestions?

CARR

Carr is a geeky girl who likes science fiction, and this of course makes her a lot more fun to talk to. A girl who's into science fiction is really a whole lot more interesting than a girl who's into spending money at Bloomingdales. And she also said she'd teach me how to smoke pot.

We exchanged emails yesterday but she didn't email be back today. I guess I'm supposed to call her because I have the penis. We ended our last date on a rather platonic note, all I did was kiss her on the cheek, and she said something about seeing each other again (and she was sincere about it as far as I can tell).

As people reading this blog should understand, but seem incapable of so understanding, sexual intimacy is as scary to me as flying on an airplane is to someone who's afraid to fly. Most people who are afraid to fly never face their fear, they just don't fly anywhere. I'm sure that Carr is expecting something more than a kiss on a cheek after a third date, otherwise she'll think I'm not interested in her and move on.

YOKO

Haven't heard from her since I sent her the email.

DVDs

Got some in the mail from Amazon.com yesterday. A whole season of a very entertaining TV show. That's 12 to 13 hours of viewing pleasure for only $35. What a deal! That's a lot more cost effective than going on a date where you spend $100 for 2 hours of entertainment. Maybe I should just marry my DVD player. They allow gay marriages now, perhaps in a few years they'll allow that too.