Thursday, February 2, 2006

Responses to the comments

I said that I would respond to the first five non-anonymous comments left to my post soliciting comments. However, there were only four non-anonymous comments, so I will respond to those four plus the first anonymous comment. It's interesting that not a single comment was left by a male reader. Those comments tend to be more helpful because, as much as men say they don't understand women, I get the impression that women understand themselves even less well than men.

It's a shame to waste your first response on someone who hasn't fully read your complete blog yet... but here I am. Life is all about timing, isn't it.
If you don't like kissing you're doing it wrong.
It's not a waste, thanks for your comment.

I think that swapping saliva is gross unless you lust after the person you are doing it with. I think that I didn't lust after Rana because she wasn't very attractive and because my sex drive decreases as I get older.

I don't think this had anything to do with doing it wrong, although I'm sure I could have done it better.

I don't agree with a lot of the things you write, but I do wish you the best of luck. At the end of the day, it is your life and you're free to do whatever you like with it!! :) There will always be supporters and haters...

Hello, Virg.. Please don't take my comments here the wrong way, because they are not intented to flame or hurt your feelings. I wanted to offer my opinions and observations, but I'm very blunt, so I apologize if anything I say comes off as hurtful or harsh.
Your perspective is interesting, which is why I continue reading, but I have to say that there is something about your attitude that really bothers me. I haven't been able to put my finger on it exactly, but it has to do with the way you discuss women, and to a lesser extent, yourself.
It seems to me that you have yourself painted into a corner, where your feelings and thoughts on the situation are clouded by the belief that you are stuck where you are. However, no matter how it seems to you, you are not irreversibly stuck and I truly believe that with enough consideration and effort, you could get yourself out of the corner.
However, as I read, I find it harder and harder to feel sorry for you. There is a lot of "I'm a loser, look at how I suck" here on this blog and while I myself enjoy self-deprecation as a pasttime, it very much sets the tone for the site. Initially, I absolutely empathized with your situation; as I said in my post about your blog, I also have some deep social anxieties that prevent me from meeting people and behaving 'normally' in unfamiliar social settings. The issue I have now is that, all snarky anonymous comments aside, you have a loyal reader base of intelligent people wanting to help you. They ask questions to find out more, they offer some really spot-on suggestions and things to think about.. but so far it seems as if these go mostly ignored. This bothers me, and perhaps the others that pointed this out, that half the time you talk about how you want to keep trying to be with a woman, and the other half engaged in behavior that would indicate otherwise.
Also, I guess maybe I feel that you really objectify women, and usually in an unflattering way. Unflattering to them, and to you. I understand honesty and wanting to describe people as you perceive them, but unflattering opinions, particularly when it comes to 'superficial' traits, are often poorly received by others, especially when doled out in such high quantities. I try not to judge people, and certainly I have my own physical tastes, but as the bulk of what you discuss seems to have to do with looks rather than personality, I have to wonder if the women you've dated aren't picking up on the same signals I am.
I think part of what bothers me is that your posts tend to have a very negative tone to them. Other posts are highly judgemental, not just of the women you've had experiences with, but of all women. Are you this negative all the time? If so, that may be part of the problem.
Also, you have to decide what the purpose of this blog is. Is it a place to vent and bitch about things, or is it a record of your journey to 'solve the problem'? If it is the former, there is nothing wrong with that, but I personally tire of hearing someone complain about something they refuse to put any effort into changing.
If it is the latter, does the solving include changing your behavior patterns, or do you intend to keep doing things as you usually do in hopes that it will happen anyway? I would love to read about you trying something different, stepping outside yourself a little, taking suggestions, and really mulling over everything. If I were you, I would be looking at this from all angles, trying to figure out doable ways of overcoming your fears and inhibitions. I would also probably be in therapy for the emotional issues, and to find out more about how to overcome the distaste for intimacy. In no way do I assume that any of this will be quick and easy, but if something isn't working for you and you want to change it, it is necessary to start taking small steps.
I think the frustration I feel is that I simply want to see you succeed. I personally would love to hear that you met a great girl, she turned you on, and you two got it on. I would be happy and relieved for you. :)
I think you would benefit greatly from trying to open your mind a little bit. Trust that not all women are like the ones you've dated. Trust that all women are not clones of each other. Trust that there will be a girl who likes you just the way you are (hell, if there are girls who like me, there are definitely girls who will like you). I know it's hard when you believe otherwise, but this many people telling you so can't be wrong, can they? Shift your focus away from money and looks, unless you want someone superficial. Allow your preconceptions and stereotypes to be challenged.. you'll find there's a lot of grey area in there. Also, do consider therapy. Not all therapists are awful, and it can be immensely helpful to get an objective, professional opinion on something that's troubling you.
Lastly, the girls I know and have known would think your virginity is so much less of a big deal than you do. There are plenty of women out there who would be understanding and kind about it. There is a definite chance that your virginity won't matter much at all.
Anyway, sorry this is so long, but I do hope you understand where it's coming from and that I mean it constructively. I think you're in a rut, and I'm hoping to see you jump out of it. Keep writing and exploring! :)
Whoa! That's a novel, not a comment.

A begins her novel by explaning that she doesn't like my attitude. Because this is an anonymous blog, I am free to have any attitude I want without worrying about alienating people I know in real life. That's the beauty of anonymous blogging.

Then she says that I ignore all the comments, but this is why I am doing this experiment, to show that this is not true. And I read all the comments even if I can't respond to every one. It's true that I like to respond to the unique comments, because I think that many of the most common points have been addressed previously in my blog.

I have taken advice from several comments. For example, people told me to stop seeing Yoko, and I did, and I have to agree that this was great advice. Kelly is ten times better than Yoko. I was also advised to stop masturbating, and today I am now eleven days the master of my domain. This is working out very well.

Then she says my posts are negative. You'd be negative too if, after almost 40 years, the world just threw rotten lemons at you the whole time.

Then she says the blog has no purpose. I started the blog with a clear purpose, as self-therapy, and I definitely think it helped. As I've stated before, more than once, since starting this blog I came very close to actually losing my virginity, and I would never have dreamed that would ever be possible. Is it still helping? I can't say for sure, but to be honest here, I'm kind of flattered that people want to read what I write, even if it's only because they get a voyeuristic look at my weird sexual problems. I've tried blogging before on topics like the economy and politics, and no one wanted to read anything I wrote.

Then she says I need therapy, which is a very annoying comment. It's not annoying because of the implication that I have problems I have been unable to overcome on my own. That part is true. It's annoying because there's no rational reason to think that this would be anything but a waste of money. I saw therapists when I was in my twenties, and they were of absolutely no help. I wrote about the 49-year-old virgin who was in therapy for 18 years. Obviously his therapy was a complete waste. This blog has been much better therapy, only two months after I started it I came very close to losing my virginity. Why do peope think that therapists have some magic power to heal people? It's obvious that they don't. Other virgins have reported bad experiences with therapists.

Then she gives me a little lecture about stereotyping. "Trust that not all women are like the ones you've dated. Trust that all women are not clones of each other." First of all, I don't think I've ever said in my blog that I believe that all womens are clones, are that there aren't plenty of exceptions to generalizations. But this doesn't mean that generalizations aren't for the most part true. It's impossible to get through life without generalizing people that you don't know. You don't have time to get to know every single person. Occasionally I put in language to indicate that I understand that I'm not talking about every single woman on planet Earth. Recently I used a phrase like"the typical woman," and I was blasted for what I said about the typical woman because not all women were like that. Using the word "typical" implies that it's understood that some women are atypical. Geez.

OK, that's enough of that comment.

I can't believe that people have that much to say about your blog! I mean I read it all the time, but there is no way I could write five paragraphs in an attempt to comment.
I agree that was an extremely long comment--it was actually 12 paragraphs, but who's counting?

Thank you for your support.

I don't have a blog address, but I'll put my name at the end here. (Note that you yourself are anonymous, so it's only fair that I don't want my family to see things I comment on blogs either.)
My question: What did you mean when you said that it's better to meet a woman in person than some "woman" who advertises on the "internet"? Why did you put those things in quotes?
Also, why can't you believe that there are women who are shy and late bloomers and nervous about sex, just like there are guys (something that would seem even rarer?)
Marla C.
You don't need a blog address to register with Blogger. I'm not asking people to leave their name, address, phone, and credit card number with their comments. But it would be a lot easier if people just used the feature to use some sort of pseudonym so I can follow the comments better.

"Woman" was in quotes because there is contoversy over whether I should use the term "girl" or "woman." In my mind, when I think of a "woman" I think of some old person that I wouldn't want to date.

As far as posting personal ads on internet dating sites, it seems logical that people who had no problems getting dates wouldn't bother to post an ad. There still seems to be some sort of stigma associated with it. Carr says she met some people from an online dating service that's popular with people of her religion who live in New York City, and they were all losers and one guy stalked her.

I very much wish I was the guy who could go to a bar and pick up a "girl" without resorting to the internet.

And finally to answer the quesiton about not believing that "there are women who are shy and late bloomers and nervous about sex, just like there are guys," it's not that I don't believe it, it's just that it's extremely rare, much rarer than it is for men. If you don't understand why it's rarer for women then you just don't get the dynamics of male/female relations. Men have to pursue and make first moves, women get to just let the men come after them. A woman who is reasonably desirable will have men pursue her and make first moves and all she has to do is go along with them. This is not the same for men. A man who would have some success (if not alpha-male type success) with women if he was agressive and extroverted like he's supposed to be will have absolutely zero success if he's too shy to do what he's supposed to do.

So actually, I really do find it very hard to imagine that a woman who would be the kind of woman that I'd find attractive would be an inexperienced virgin. When I tried to have sex with Rana who I didn't find attractive, I wasn't able to get it up.

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