Beauty and virginity

Is beauty the most important attribute a girl has? The politically correct answer is no, but if beauty isn't that important why are people jumping all over me because I pointed out that Rana is ugly? If I complained that she was lousy at playing bridge, everyone would have laughed because everyone knows that playing bridge is not an attribute that anyone actually cares about. By being so upset that I said she's ugly, this is a tacit admission that looks are really the most important thing.

Being fixated on beauty and other socially desirable attributes contributes to virginity. Most regular non-virgin men will lower their standards until they can get sexual satisfaction. It is said that men in prison will lower their standards so much that they rape other male prisoners. It's not because the prison rapists are gay, it's because a guy's behind is the closest they can get to what they want, so they lower their standards really really low.

I think I made some definite progress by pursuing the relationship with Rana as long as I did. The pre-blog me would have avoided her both because she wasn't attractive and because the whole sex thing is so scary.

Now some commenters to the blog think that I should never talk about a girl's looks, but how can I have an honest conversation otherwise? Rana not looking so great is an essential part of who she is. If she were really hot, she wouldn't have contacted me on the online dating service because she would have been too busy going out with all the guys who were interested in her because of her looks.

Now I really do understand that I have a problem with fixating on girls who are too far above me on the social desirability scale. And then I'm afraid to ask them out anyway, and if I do get on a date with them my virginness emanates from me and they sense that I'm a loser with women, and this of course turns them off.

It would be much better for me to find an average looking girl, not one below average like Rana, but neither one so hot that she doesn't want anything to do with me except maybe to use me for an expensive dinner or two.

A 49-year-old virgin

Here's a link to an article about a 49-year-old virgin, or he was a virgin until he saw a sex surrogate. Here are my thoughts on the article:

(1) The therapy industry totally screwed the guy (but unfortunately for him only in the figurative sense). He was in therapy for eighteen years but all he did was throw away his money. Finally, when he was 49, he had to convince his therapist to recommend him for the only logical treatment which is sex surrogate therapy.

Think about it. If you are afraid to swim, do you talk about it with a shrink for 18 years, or do you go find a swim instructor and take some lessons? My brief run ins with therapists when I was in my twenties quickly revealed to me how totally useless they are.

So people, stop telling me to seek therapy.

(2) The article talks about the shame of virginity:

"Every older virgin has a unique story," [pyschologist] Johnston explains. "They run the gamut from terrible shyness to emotionally barren families to sexual abuse. But all older virgins feel terrible shame. They feel embarrassed and humiliated by their lack of relationship experience." Age 30 seems to be a line of demarcation. "By 30," Blanchard explains, "older virgins feel so socially awkward and out of sync with the world around them that they choose to hide."

That's exactly how I felt. Telling Rana that I never had a girlfriend before was very difficult to do. I think this blog helped. After telling the dozens of anonymous strangers who read this blog, I was able to surmount the hurdle and tell a real live girl. This blog is better therapy for me than seeing a shrink.

(3) The article says "One potential hazard of surrogate work for older virgins is the possibility of falling in love with the surrogate partner." I can see how this is true. The first pretty girl who ever showed an interest in me was Jenny, and I fell in love with her.

Luckily I've gotten over the love hurdle. When I fell in love with Jenny, I had no idea what was happening. Now that I know what love is, I'll probably be able to block those feelings the next time around. Because of being in love with Jenny, I felt like my life wasn't worth living and I wanted to commit suicide. I don't ever want to feel that way again.

(4) The therapy described in the article doesn't sound that much different than what I got from Rana for free, so let's hope the experience will help me the next time. If there is a next time. At the moment I have no one to date. And all the girls that I like aren't interested in me because they can do better. Only the ugly ones like Rana want me.

Rainy day in NYC

Queue

New Yorkers waiting in line to buy breakfast from a street vendor.

It's over with Rana. Yeah!

I don't think that commenters have any right to get on my case because I put off for a day telling Rana that I didn't want to continue our relationship. The reason I didn't want to tell her is because I felt bad about it and I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

I wish I was the scumbag that some people make me out to be, then I would have just called her and said "yo bitch, you ugly, go back to Moldavia." But if I was a scumbag like that then I wouldn't be in this nearly-middle-aged virgin situation. Scumbags get laid a lot easier than people like me who worry too much about others' feelings.

However, I finally got up the nerve to call her, and it wasn't so bad, she didn't seem that upset at all and she was nice about it. I did give off a lot of not-interested signals on Sunday, so I guess she already got the message.

To wrap up this Rana relationship, let me explain the whole thing again. I met Rana, and although she wasn't that pretty at least she wasn't fat, and a big part of my virginity problem is that I've been too much of a perfectionist, and who am I to hold women to such a high standard when I'm not so good looking myself?

At first, I really enjoyed the fact that she seemed to like me so much. But this lasted for only one or two dates. After that, the more I saw of her the less I actually liked her.

However, this relationship has been a big step forward for me. I had only french kissed a girl one time before, and that last time was a one time event a long time ago. I wouldn't even be a virgin anymore if Rana had been sexy enough to give me a hard-on when she wasn't directly stroking my penis.

Let's hope that Rana has helped to overcome my fear of getting intimate with women. And there's another huge fear she helped me overcome; I've always been afraid to tell people my problem. I was able to confess my virginity to Rana, and I think this blog helped, because before I told Rana I told the world anonymously. It's surely no coincidence that only a month after starting this blog I got further with a girl then I ever did in my entire life. So I will continue to put up with the crap I've been getting, such as people telling me that I'm an asshole or that I'm gay, and I'll keep writing here.

Hopefully, with the next girl I'll be able to get past two chaste dates. There is going to be a next girl, her name is Ashley, and I will write more tomorrow, so stay tuned.

Help

Help! I'm afraid to call Rana to tell her I don't want to see her again.

I've never had to do this before. In the past, it has always been that the women didn't want to see me.

She sent me four emails since yesterday, none of which I responded to.

In comments, someone said that the real reason I don't like her is because I couldn't get it up. But no, she actually has no redeeming qualities except for the one very important quality that she liked me. She said I was handsome, and I think she actually meant it too. No women has ever told me that before.

I bought a new digital camera today on the way home to work. It's small enough to fit in a pocket so I'll be able to carry it all the time, and whenever I see a scene that defines the essence of New York City I'll be able to capture it.

Insanity

They say that insanity is repeating the same behavior again and expecting different results.

So Rana spent the night at my apartment again and I'm still a virgin (but at least the doormen think I'm sexually active).

I can't stand Rana. I don't want to ever see her again. But I didn't have the heart to tell her that this morning. I think she left some crap in my apartment, like a cat marking its territory or something.

She cooked me dinner last night. In the middle of the night I felt sick. It must have been her food.

Every outfit I see her wearing is more pathetic than the last. It's embarrassing to be seen in public with her.

She was annoyed at me because I told her I had to go to work this afternoon. Where the hell does she think the money comes from to pay for all of our dates? (Although she is an extremely cheap date, unlike Sarah; but quality costs money--not that Sarah was such high quality, but definitely a lot higher in quality than Rana.) Truth be told, going to work was preferable to spending more time with her.

I think I need a new hobby besides blogging, dating, playing computer games, and not being the master of my domain. Does anyone have a suggestion?

She won't leave me alone

She's stopping by tomorrow morning before I go to work to bring me some food she cooked.

Help, she won't leave me alone.

It's weird that someone likes me so much that she has to make an excuse to see me for twenty minutes.

Thoughts on Rana

I saw Rana again tonight. We just went to dinner and walked around the city. We didn't go to anyone's apartment.

I still don't like kissing her. I think I like it even less. She keeps wanting to stick her tongue in my mouth all the time. Even in public.

I am incredibly grateful to her for what she has tried to do for me, and for the fact that she likes me so much. I don't understand why she likes me so much. No one has ever been as nice to me as Rana has.

I am in no position to judge other people based on their looks. I don't look so good myself. My body is pathetic, yet Rana actually liked seeing me naked.

Probably, a girl who looks good enough that I'd be proud to show her off to my friends and family wouldn't be interested in me anyway.

I wish Rana could at least get a better haircut and wear some nicer clothes. She brags that her clothes are such high quality they lasted 10 years. Yuck! Is there a polite way to tell a girl she needs to buy an entire new wardrobe and throw out every item of clothing that she owns?

It's possible that my ability to have good sex has been ruined because I haven't done it and I'm almost forty years old. So even if Rana looked better (yet still, for some unfathomable reason, felt the same way about me) I still might not be able to get it up.

Rana has invited herself to spend the night at my apartment this Saturday. I'm not looking forward to it right now. I need to figure out some way to get really horny by then.

Almost not a virgin

I should have written this update on Sunday, but I just wasn't ready to write about it. It's not a happy story.

I will skip the unimportant stuff, like all day Saturday, and get back to Saturday evening. She invited herself back to my apartment, under the pretense of needing a warm cup of tea. We were cuddling and kissing on my couch, and then I finally told her that I've "never had a girlfriend before." I didn't have to say anything else about virginity, she got what I meant.

Rana was then incredibly nice about the whole thing, and she set out to be my "teacher." The lesson involved gradually taking off our clothes, and moving from the couch to my bed, and us gradually touching each other's more private parts. First her breasts, and then her clitoris, and then I was sticking my finger into her vagina (she really seems to like that). And then she was ready for the final act. Luckily I had a pack of condoms purchased four years ago (they didn't even expire yet).

And I couldn't get it up.

This is as I predicted before.

Rana has been so nice about all of this. Any regular girl wouldn't have been interested in seeing me again, but Rana is still acting like I'm her boyfriend.

We slept in my bed together, naked. Well, I hardly slept. In the morning she suggested we shower together.

This experience, on the one hand, has been extremely therapeutic because it has helped to reduce my fear of the mysterious hidden female body parts.

On the other hand, there is the psychological fallout from not being able to do the deed.