My first date ever

After my summer when I fell in unrequited love with Jenny, I returned to graudate school feeling miserable and still maybe somewhat suicidal. I tried to take up smoking, because I figured if I couldn't kill myself quickly, at least I could do it slowly. Fortunately for my health, I was never able to get the hang of it. When classmates saw me smoking, maybe it did just a little to shed my virginal nice guy image. Or maybe everyone saw right through that.

I decided that, if I couldn't have Jenny, the next best thing would be to find some other girl to love. Of course I had always been deathly afraid to approach a girl, but my relationship with Jenny revealed that at least a girl might be interested in talking to me. And it filled me with a great fear. I was afraid that I would never recapture the feeling of love, and although I have accepted that now, back then it was dreadful.

For a while this fear was greater than my regular fear of girls. I went out to a bar with some classmates, and I spotted a beautiful girl in the bar (yes, I know now that it was a mistake to only go after the pretty ones), and I caught her eye, smiled at her, she smiled back, and I engaged her in a conversation. She was a receptionist for a dentist. How lovely! How awesome it would be to have a beautiful non-college educated girlfriend. But alas, she made up some excuse about going to the bathroom, and I said something like "well you have to give me your phone number then," and she smiled and said no thanks. I didn't get a phone number, but at least I felt good about myself for going into battle.

I found out that there was going to be a social gathering at a campus religious organization. I don't think I ever really believed in the religion, but this was supposed to be a good way to meet girls. Once again, the fear of being alone the rest of my life proplled me to action. I felt like I was in a zone that evening, talking to all the girls at the social gathering, and collecting not one, but two phone numbers. Wow, I had never done that before.

But which girl should I call? My big mistake, of course, was not calling both of them. Dating is a game of percentages. But I was new to it. I had never been on a real date before. I called the girl who was the prettier of the two, a really cute undergraduate student with blonde hair and blue eyes, about 5'6" and 135 pounds. Her name was Madison. How cute.

It's hard to describe how overjoyed I was when I called Madison, and she actually agreed to go to dinner with me. After the phone conversation, I fretted over where to take her. I discovered a restaurant at a local resort hotel with singing waiters.

I suppose I overdid it. The waiters sang in a fun way not a romantic way, but nevertheless this may have been too much for a first date.

The date took a horrible downward spiral when the check came, and she didn't want me to pay for her dinner. Somehow, I knew this was a rejection. I argued over her with it until we agreed that she would pay the tip.

Thinking back on that date, it was so touching that she actually felt bad about getting a free dinner. These hardened bitches in their mid thirties in New York City, such as Sarah, have no problem with enjoying expensive meals from men that they have no interest in.

Madison hung out with me on the grounds of the hotel after the dinner, and while we were sitting by the pool, with palm trees around us, we were both looking up at the sky and we saw a shooting star. This was the first and last time in my life that I ever saw a shooting star. It really helped to mark the evening as special.

Looking back on all the dates I've been on since then, my first date ever was also my best date ever. I think that some of the love I felt for Jenny I was able to transfer to Madison, so this date was the closest I ever came to going out for a romantic evening with someone I loved.

When I dropped her off at her apartment, I tried to kiss her on her lips, but all she gave me was her cheek.

Madison didn't want to see me again after that.

My fear of being alone subsided shortly after that and once again became less than my fear of girls. Once again I was too afraid to ask girls out on dates. I was never again able to recover that strange feeling of fear and hopelessness that gave me courage.

Virginal Apprentice

Thursday's episode of The Apprentice demonstrates the antipathy that the world has for virgins. Twenty-two year old Adam is the project manager for his team. The project this week is to design and teach an adult education class. Over his objections that he doesn't feel comfortable with the topic, his team decides to teach "Sex at Work." Adam's lack of comfort with the topic seems a source of amusement for the other members of the team, especially Alla the 31 year-old multi-millionaire spa owner. I think the whole thing amounted to borderline sexual harrassment. That's the way people would have seen it if the sexes were reversed.

Later in the Boardroom, Donald Trump bluntly asks Adam if he ever had sex, and from the way he fumbled with saying that he didn't feel comfortable answering the question, it's obvious that the answer was "no." Only people who are virgins can undertand the shame that comes with being a virgin. Then Donald goes into a whole speech about how great sex is, as if he's really helping Adam by telling him that what he isn't getting is so wonderful. It's not like he's a virgin by choice. Meanwhile, Donald is far more supportive of Clay who comes out as a homosexual. Apparently, sticking one's penis up other guys' anuses is considered more normal than never having stuck it anywhere at all.

Beauty and virginity

Is beauty the most important attribute a girl has? The politically correct answer is no, but if beauty isn't that important why are people jumping all over me because I pointed out that Rana is ugly? If I complained that she was lousy at playing bridge, everyone would have laughed because everyone knows that playing bridge is not an attribute that anyone actually cares about. By being so upset that I said she's ugly, this is a tacit admission that looks are really the most important thing.

Being fixated on beauty and other socially desirable attributes contributes to virginity. Most regular non-virgin men will lower their standards until they can get sexual satisfaction. It is said that men in prison will lower their standards so much that they rape other male prisoners. It's not because the prison rapists are gay, it's because a guy's behind is the closest they can get to what they want, so they lower their standards really really low.

I think I made some definite progress by pursuing the relationship with Rana as long as I did. The pre-blog me would have avoided her both because she wasn't attractive and because the whole sex thing is so scary.

Now some commenters to the blog think that I should never talk about a girl's looks, but how can I have an honest conversation otherwise? Rana not looking so great is an essential part of who she is. If she were really hot, she wouldn't have contacted me on the online dating service because she would have been too busy going out with all the guys who were interested in her because of her looks.

Now I really do understand that I have a problem with fixating on girls who are too far above me on the social desirability scale. And then I'm afraid to ask them out anyway, and if I do get on a date with them my virginness emanates from me and they sense that I'm a loser with women, and this of course turns them off.

It would be much better for me to find an average looking girl, not one below average like Rana, but neither one so hot that she doesn't want anything to do with me except maybe to use me for an expensive dinner or two.

A 49-year-old virgin

Here's a link to an article about a 49-year-old virgin, or he was a virgin until he saw a sex surrogate. Here are my thoughts on the article:

(1) The therapy industry totally screwed the guy (but unfortunately for him only in the figurative sense). He was in therapy for eighteen years but all he did was throw away his money. Finally, when he was 49, he had to convince his therapist to recommend him for the only logical treatment which is sex surrogate therapy.

Think about it. If you are afraid to swim, do you talk about it with a shrink for 18 years, or do you go find a swim instructor and take some lessons? My brief run ins with therapists when I was in my twenties quickly revealed to me how totally useless they are.

So people, stop telling me to seek therapy.

(2) The article talks about the shame of virginity:

"Every older virgin has a unique story," [pyschologist] Johnston explains. "They run the gamut from terrible shyness to emotionally barren families to sexual abuse. But all older virgins feel terrible shame. They feel embarrassed and humiliated by their lack of relationship experience." Age 30 seems to be a line of demarcation. "By 30," Blanchard explains, "older virgins feel so socially awkward and out of sync with the world around them that they choose to hide."

That's exactly how I felt. Telling Rana that I never had a girlfriend before was very difficult to do. I think this blog helped. After telling the dozens of anonymous strangers who read this blog, I was able to surmount the hurdle and tell a real live girl. This blog is better therapy for me than seeing a shrink.

(3) The article says "One potential hazard of surrogate work for older virgins is the possibility of falling in love with the surrogate partner." I can see how this is true. The first pretty girl who ever showed an interest in me was Jenny, and I fell in love with her.

Luckily I've gotten over the love hurdle. When I fell in love with Jenny, I had no idea what was happening. Now that I know what love is, I'll probably be able to block those feelings the next time around. Because of being in love with Jenny, I felt like my life wasn't worth living and I wanted to commit suicide. I don't ever want to feel that way again.

(4) The therapy described in the article doesn't sound that much different than what I got from Rana for free, so let's hope the experience will help me the next time. If there is a next time. At the moment I have no one to date. And all the girls that I like aren't interested in me because they can do better. Only the ugly ones like Rana want me.

Rainy day in NYC

Queue

New Yorkers waiting in line to buy breakfast from a street vendor.

It's over with Rana. Yeah!

I don't think that commenters have any right to get on my case because I put off for a day telling Rana that I didn't want to continue our relationship. The reason I didn't want to tell her is because I felt bad about it and I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

I wish I was the scumbag that some people make me out to be, then I would have just called her and said "yo bitch, you ugly, go back to Moldavia." But if I was a scumbag like that then I wouldn't be in this nearly-middle-aged virgin situation. Scumbags get laid a lot easier than people like me who worry too much about others' feelings.

However, I finally got up the nerve to call her, and it wasn't so bad, she didn't seem that upset at all and she was nice about it. I did give off a lot of not-interested signals on Sunday, so I guess she already got the message.

To wrap up this Rana relationship, let me explain the whole thing again. I met Rana, and although she wasn't that pretty at least she wasn't fat, and a big part of my virginity problem is that I've been too much of a perfectionist, and who am I to hold women to such a high standard when I'm not so good looking myself?

At first, I really enjoyed the fact that she seemed to like me so much. But this lasted for only one or two dates. After that, the more I saw of her the less I actually liked her.

However, this relationship has been a big step forward for me. I had only french kissed a girl one time before, and that last time was a one time event a long time ago. I wouldn't even be a virgin anymore if Rana had been sexy enough to give me a hard-on when she wasn't directly stroking my penis.

Let's hope that Rana has helped to overcome my fear of getting intimate with women. And there's another huge fear she helped me overcome; I've always been afraid to tell people my problem. I was able to confess my virginity to Rana, and I think this blog helped, because before I told Rana I told the world anonymously. It's surely no coincidence that only a month after starting this blog I got further with a girl then I ever did in my entire life. So I will continue to put up with the crap I've been getting, such as people telling me that I'm an asshole or that I'm gay, and I'll keep writing here.

Hopefully, with the next girl I'll be able to get past two chaste dates. There is going to be a next girl, her name is Ashley, and I will write more tomorrow, so stay tuned.